I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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