You made me cry and you don't even care
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
