Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
