Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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