I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she told me i tasted like america
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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