My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
