She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
