Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Less talking, more tequila
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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