I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I'm jealous of your bromance
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
