Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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