After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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