Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
