onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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