She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
