There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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