My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
