Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I understand Curling. That high.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
