By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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