My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
