the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
