True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
