Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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