Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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