glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
