I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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