when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
