Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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