he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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