I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
