Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
