I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
