She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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