We're facebook friends in real life
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
