I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
