this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
