you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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