my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
