Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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