Michael Bay diarrhea
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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