worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
