I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
