Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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