I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
