It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
