The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
