I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
