Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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