If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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