Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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