the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
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The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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