apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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