shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
