How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
