literally had 100 drinks last night.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
