You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
