marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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