i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
