I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize