so that wasnt chicken after all
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
