Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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