Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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