im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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