Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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